An Open Letter To Hannah’s Birth Mother

Dear friend, I thought about you today. I don’t know if you remembered that today marks three years since you gave birth to a little girl. I can only assume that it crossed your mind. I spent some time thinking about you – wondering what your life is like, what you think about your decision, and if you ever wonder about your little girl.

Hannah's 1st Birthday

January 2009

I want you to know, above all else, that we are thinking of you today. We know nothing about you, but we are thankful for you and your sacrifice. The decision you made three years ago, although I am sure it was difficult, has made such a difference, not just in our lives but also in the lives of many others.  I wonder if you ever regret your decision. I can’t answer for you, but I can tell you that we love Hannah with all of our hearts, and we can’t imagine a life without her.

I wonder if she is like you at all. Does she have your engaging personality or your amazing smile? She has the ability to light up a room and command attention from the moment she enters until well after she leaves. Does she laugh like you do? That laugh gets me so tickled, and she brings so much joy when she laughs. Did she get her love of music and dancing from you? She is drawn to all kinds of music and will dance no matter who is there. I’ll take some credit for her rhythm (or lack of it), but…and I don’t know how to ask this…do you shake your booty when you dance? She does that all the time, and I don’t know why. Does she share your sense of humor? She not only loves to laugh at others, but loves to make others laugh, and she is genuinely funny. Does she get her determination and mischievousness from you as well?

I have to tell you, there are so many things that she does that make us question if she favors my side of the family or her mothers, only to remember that she is adopted. She is such a great child, and we love her so much. She is a great sister to her older sister and her little brother. She is loving and caring and so sweet. She is really smart, too. I know everybody says that about their child, but this is true. She can already say her alphabet and spell her name. She kept hearing her sister asking for G-U-M, and she quickly figured out what that spells so she can get some too.

I could keep going, but I just wanted to tell you that Hannah is doing great. We can’t celebrate her birth without thinking of you and the sacrifice you made that made it possible for her to be a part of our family. She loves us, and she is greatly loved in return. We owe so much to you, and we can never thank you enough.

Cleaning Up

Last night I was closing at Barnes and Noble. The night was so busy, and there was little time throughout the evening to keep up with some of the regular maintenance issues that need to be done. Dishes still needed to be washed and put away, counters needed to be cleaned, and the bake case needed to be restocked. The last thing we do at night before we get to go home is to sweep and mop the floor. There are many times throughout the evening that I want to mop – to clean up the spilled Frappucino mix or the milk that dripped while making a Caramel Macchiato. Throughout the cafe there are traces of the flurried activity of the day, mistakes that were made and unfinished business. It is a relief to have the time to slow down, clean up the messes and prepare for the next day.

As I was mopping I realized that this is similar to my end of the year thought processes. As I look at the calendar and realize that today is the last day of 2008, I take a look around. I see evidence of our accomplishments, but alongside there are also reminders of messes, mistakes and unfinished business. It is good to take a few minutes to step back, take a deep breath, and prepare for the new year. I know I can’t fix all my mistakes or clean up all my messes. I certainly can’t finish all the things I started by the end of the day. I can, however, mentally focus on the things that were accomplished and, as much as possible, begin again with a clean slate.

I am thankful for 2008, but I won’t be sorry to see it go. This year has been difficult – full of tough transitions but also great blessings. It has been a year of great uncertainty. God has not given us much of what we asked for, but He has given us more than we need. I hope that doesn’t sound disrespectful or ungrateful, because it isn’t. I just look back at the things we prayed for, and am really thankful that God didn’t give us those things. If nothing else came from this year, I now have a deeper understanding and acceptance that God knows better than I do, and I know very little. He has let me try to drive the car, and I am terrible at it. I am trying to learn to be content to ride in the backseat, enjoying the scenery and stop asking “Are we there yet?”

I am thankful for the difficulty we have endured that has led us to this point. I know there will be more to come, but I am going to enjoy the peace while it lasts. I am thankful for the old friendships that have been strengthened and the new ones that have developed as we were forced to lean on others. I am thankful for the encouragement, the prayers and the Starbucks Java Chip ice cream provided in our times of weakness, and I am thankful for the joy shared in our times of rejoicing. Most of all, I am thankful for the consistency of God we have experienced through the ups and downs of our year.

If you are reading this, you are (a) way too bored or (b) one of the people who has been a great encouragement to me. I thank you for that, and I pray that the new year brings us more opportunities to grow in our relationship. Thanks for keeping me company as I clean up.

Why I haven’t been blogging, part 2

Of course the main reason I haven’t been blogging much lately is the kids. Will is just now – at 6 months old – starting to sleep mostly through the night. During the day there seem to be few times that they both sleep at the same time, and during those times – which would be prime blogging times, I try to lay down as well. Hannah is taking to most Playhouse Disney shows – including the Imagination Movers – which explains why I am posting now.

Will is growing like gangbusters. At 6 months he is already wearing 12 month clothes, wearing the same size diapers as Hannah and has outgrown the carseat carrier. I am afraid he has irreparably bent the bouncy seat loaned to us when he was born. He is such an easy baby, which is good news for him because he is getting the short end of the attentive parenting stick. Of course, Hannah makes up for our attention by getting in his face and trying to make him laugh.

Hannah is amazing. She has this huge personality in this little body, and it is a blessing to watch her grow day by day. She is so smart and is learning so much. It was just over a year ago that we had an evaluation by the First Steps program because we were concerned about her language development. Ha! Now I don’t think there is anything she can’t say. She comes to visit me at Barnes and Noble and orders her own Strawberry Frappucino. She is able to tell people that her birthday is January 17th. It cracks me up when she uses the word “also” correctly. She knows the alphabet song and many others. I am posting a couple of videos of her singing Christmas songs for your holiday enjoyment. I’m sorry that they are so dark.

Why I haven’t been blogging, part 1

There are many reasons that I haven’t been blogging, and two of them are under the age of 3. In addition to those responsibilities, I have been working part-time at the Family Enrichment Center and part-time at the Cafe at Barnes and Noble. We also hosted the entire Cosby family for Thanksgiving, and true to form, I decided five days before Thanksgiving to renovate our entire bathroom. Before it made perfect sense, but during the project I hated myself. Now that it is done I am glad I did it, but would have started a little earlier. Here are the before and after pictures from my bathroom project.

New Blog

Hey all. This is just to inform you of a new blog that I have started. It is called “Being Better” and is about encouraging one another to be better than we were before. I don’t know where it is going, but it is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. There is a longer description there. Hope to see you there. I’ll still try to keep this one updated with other stuff as well.

Adoption Day pics

As promised, here are some pictures from our adoption hearing. Nothing spectacular, but momentous.

Adoption Day!

It is official! Will is now a Fowlkes! We went yesterday to the Finalization Hearing at 11:45, and by noon we were officially and legally a family of 5. It was all in all a little anti-climactic in that the result was a foregone conclusion, but it was a nice moment. We especially were thankful that my family and some of our good friends were able to be there – unlike our China trip.

I have never been in court before, and I have to say it wasn’t what I expected. We were asked to “testify” about our understanding of the responsibilities we were accepting, about our strong moral character, etc. I came to realize that I would not be a good witness. I am too much of a class clown. You have no idea how hard it was to be serious. For example, the first question I was asked (after my name, address, etc.) was if I heard and agreed with everything Ashley had just said. I wanted to say that I was only halfway paying attention because Hannah was sitting in my lap, using her feet on the table to create enough leverage to almost push me over in my chair while singing the theme song to “Handy Manny.” Instead, I managed to say with a straight face, “Yes Sir.”

The whole proceeding was without incident (and humor, I might add), but the end result is that Will is my son. He is now and forever will be William Keegan Fowlkes. We were a little too preoccupied to take any pictures, but my family took a ton. When we get some I’ll post them.

I may have said this previously, but I want to say again “Thank You” to all of you who have been our backbone during the most trying times of this process. You’ll never know how valuable you were. During the times that we thought that God had allowed us to lose Will, you cried with us and prayed for us. Because of your love we never lost faith or wondered how we would make it. We knew that even in that loss, God was with us and was providing for us. Even if Will had never come back home, we knew that God had used him already and would continue to use us through that experience. But more than that, during that time we were not able to pray for his return, although we obviously wanted that to happen. We were just too hurt to verbalize the possibility lest we develop false hope. But you took up the slack for us, praying for him to come home to us. Now that Will is home, and knowing how many people have been praying for him all over the country, we are very well aware of the gift that he is and know that God has plans for him. I eagerly anticipate the day when he is old enough to realize how much of an impact his life had on people just in his first few months of life.

I again want to remember Will’s birth parents. Without their selflessness, even though it was painful for them, we wouldn’t know Will at all. We are overjoyed with the adoption, but we will always remember the sacrifice that made it possible. There is a sermon in that, but a). I’m not a preacher anymore, and b). I’ve got two sleeping kids and a nap is actually possible. You’ll have to do the heavy lifting on this one by yourself.

Trying to get back

I have been terribly remiss in my blogging efforts lately. For a while I had a legitimate excuse – no sleep, constant baby stuff, etc. But since then I have just gotten out of the habit. I need to do it, for myself at least. I have realized that this is a very important part of who I am. It seems that the process of writing is a way for me to access deeper thoughts and feelings that I typically don’t deal with. Also, writing about spiritual things is the best way I have found to maintain my focus on and my commitment to God.

So much has happened/is happening in our lives, and it would be impossible to try to recap that here. Let’s just say that nothing has happened the way we thought it would. Plans and assumptions that we have made, even with good reason, have changed or fallen through altogether. We have been in a constant state of change – planning, acting, reevaluating, reacting, and planning again. People have expressed their words of encouragement and reassurance, but at this point we are somewhat numb to the whole process. There may have been times that we have started to second-guess the decisions we made as if we had made a mistake. I am coming to think differently about it, however. I wonder if God allowed us to think we were secure to give us the confidence to make decisions that were best for us in the long run. He knew that we would never take risks that were that big, so He “encouraged” us in ways that may at first glance seem to be unfair.

For example, my hours at my current job were going to be cut due to grant funding. This was the impetus to interview for a new job, which I got. This led to my resignation at the Family Enrichment Center (although I agreed to help out by teaching a daytime class for six weeks). Then, the week before I was to start at the psychiatric hospital, they “realized” that because I am not licensed as a social worker, they can’t actually hire me. So now, without trying to recreate every movement of the last month, I am (I think) going to be a proud employee of Barnes and Noble, working…where else…in the Cafe. I almost feel guilty even saying that, and it is difficult to talk about without grinning. While I have worked so long for the mental health of others, I now get a job that helps my mental health. I even get an employee discount on coffee!

This is a seasonal job – for them and for me – and not exactly what I would have chosen (the jobs where they pay you to stay home and be a dad must be all taken). But nothing in my life right now is what I would have chosen, but God knew that I would have chosen poorly. I have so many blessings, and one of them is starting to wake up right now. I promise to post more soon.

Then and Now

Here are some pictures we took at the end of July, and then two months later in September.

Jackson’s Orchard

We took a trip to Jackson’s Orchard today – at least until the rain started. No time to comment, but the pictures should speak for themselves.