It has been a full week since I wrote about groaning and waiting, and still nothing. I am not even buying into any rumors, regardless of how much I want to believe them. I still believe that it will happen…I am confident of that…but the constant expectation that “Maybe today, maybe today” is too much. I can’t handle the constant disappointment.

I guess the answer is to look forward to the joy that is coming in the future while still enjoying the blessings of today. It is too easy to sit here and dwell on the adoption stuff and wonder and fret about it, but I would then miss out on so much that is going on around me. On some level I want the world to stop spinning and sit here and wait for it to happen. I guess I think on some level that if I do that it will come faster…that God will take pity on me and hurry up. But I know that this is irrational and requires a misconception of God as a parent who will be swayed if I sit on the floor and hold my breath until I get my way. I know that God knows and understands, and that the plan He has for me is immeasurably better than anything I can dream of myself. But knowing that doesn’t seem to make it come any faster.

I try to envision and anticipate what it will be like when we get the call, but I can’t. It seems too unreal, too far off. I have the vague sense that there is a wall of emotion stored up inside me, and that hearing Hannah’s name and seeing her sweet face will be the pinprick that will cause it to come cascading down. I know it is real, but it seems like a distant dream. I know it like I know that there is great weather in Hawaii, and like I know there are pyramids in Egypt. It is real, but seems so far away.