This weekend we had a retreat with our Senior High group. I taught the lessons about “Winning Your Spiritual Battles” based on the Civil War Battle of Shiloh. One of the lessons was called “Making A Stand,” and one of my points was that at some point you just have to take a deep breath and take the plunge. As I was teaching the lesson, I realized I was talking to myself more than to the kids. I know that I have some difficult decisions to make, and it will never be easy.

Yesterday I had to take the first plunge. We put our house up for sale. This is something that I have known that we needed to do for some time, but I was putting it off. There are several reasons for this, but the primary one is that I kept hoping that our situation would improve enough for us to avoid selling. I love our house, but it was becoming very obvious that it is too much. Too much yard, too much mortgage, too much cleaning.

This was an incredibly difficult decision, and one that has caused great conflict within me. I still can’t quite figure it out. I am convinced that this needed to happen, yet I am incredibly sad about it. Part of it is the uncertainty it brings about the future, part of it is frustration with circumstances beyond my control that have brought me here, and part of it is my human desire to hang on to what I have. I believe that God has allowed us to struggle with some things so that we are willing to do things that we normally wouldn’t consider, and so I ultimately need to stop feeling sorry for myself and trust Him.

The thing that I am discovering is that trusting God completely is much harder than I have thought – and I’m not even doing that great at it. I want a wet fleece or a burning bush. I want some physical assurance that everything is going to work out. But that wouldn’t be trust, would it?