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Wow, it has been a long time. I would apologize and make empty promises about posting more, but if age has taught me anything about myself it is that I am doing the best I can, so I shouldn’t apologize for that, and I may or may not post again…ever. So if you have stumbled upon this, soak it up.

I have recently taken a break from Facebook for a while – at least from posting. I am not sure why except that I noticed that I was starting to think in Facebook posts about everything that happened to me. All of a sudden it hit me how egocentric I have become in the Facebook era – using that as a forum to whine about my circumstances and then seeking feedback from that, as if my self-worth was indistinguishable from my Facebook page.

Of course, just after I made this decision, I had an experience that tested my resolve. Staying true to my commitment caused me to think more deeply about the event and draw some lessons from it. These things are best shared on a blog, so here I sit. This is not to whine nor complain, but to share and hopefully encourage anyone bored enough to be reading past this point.

We went to St. Louis for Ashley’s birthday, and had a great experience on Friday night. We stayed at a hotel downtown which offered free dinner (if you consider a potato and hot dog and nacho bar dinner – which we did) and was within walking distance of the Arch. We took the kids swimming and then walked down to see the Arch up close. The next morning we slept in, ate breakfast, and took off to the Zoo. When we got there we rented a stroller and took off. Pretty soon we noticed that Will was not feeling well and when we picked him up he felt very warm. We went to the first aid station and found that he had a high fever and were advised to head home. We got him some overpriced medicine at the gift shop and gave it to him while we stopped to eat lunch. Will fell asleep, so I sat with him while Ashley and Hannah went to see a few more things. Will woke up and seemed to feel better, so we went to see the penguin exhibit, then met the girls and left.

The ride home was going fairly well. Will seemed better and was arguing with his sister. We made a couple of stops, and finally decided it was time to eat dinner. We pulled off to get McDonalds, and while waiting in the drive-through Will proceeded to…um…lose his lunch. We got out of line, parked the car, and started to clean him/us/the van up. I won’t go into detail, but I will tell you that it wasn’t fun or easy. An hour later we decided to try our luck and get back on the road.

About 20 miles later we got to a decent sized town and stopped again. This time it was to get gas and an air freshener. I won’t say which was the more important to us. As we pulled off the Interstate we heard a noise. You know the one. The noise that you think is a flat tire but you know it isn’t because you don’t want it to be, but when you get out and look you see that indeed it is a flat tire. We pulled into a truck stop to inspect the damage. Across the street was a Wal-Mart, and a quick call (thank you Google for iPhone) informed us that their tire center closed at 8:00. It was 7:55.

I won’t bore you with the sequence of events (flat spare, no comparable tires at the truck stop), but we eventually decided to stay overnight at a hotel around the corner. The hotel had a laundry facility (which we may have ruined) and a clean room, so it met our needs. We got cleaned up, got our tire fixed the next morning and made it home without incident.

It was tempting during this ordeal to feel sorry for ourselves or get overwhelmed with our misfortune. Instead, we were able to mainatain an attitude of thankfulness throughout. We were fortunate to be at McDonalds when Will got sick. We were more than fortunate to be at an exit in a town with a Wal-Mart and hotels when our tire blew instead of on a deserted stretch of Interstate with cornfields for miles with our flat spare. While it was not uneventful, it was managable and merely an inconvenience. It is simplistic to say “It could have been worse,” but that simple truth became our mantra.

As I work with families through the adoption process and experience life myself, I have often thought about the concept of a journey to best describe life. We make decisions about the direction we are headed and how that trip will go, but inevitably things happen that we don’t expect. Sometimes these things can be good, but it seems that more often they can be bad. It is during these times we feel that our entire journey is at risk, and we can react negatively to these things. I won’t get into a discussion here about what God is or is not responsible for, because I don’t pretend to know. What I do know is that no matter what happens to me on my journey, God is with me all the way. He may not have caused my flat tire, but He was there when I fixed it. He may or may not cause me to suffer or struggle or deal with difficult situations, but He will walk with me through those times. He may not even be specifically responsible for the great things that occur, but I know that He is there rejoicing with me when they do.

I don’t know why exactly I was able to maintain a proper perspective during our adventure, but I do pray that I am able to keep it when things happen in my life that are beyond my control.

When I look back at my childhood there are a few memories that stand out to me as those that played a big part in my development. One of those is about cooking with my mom. I remember pulling up a stool and standing at the counter to help her make lasagna (imagine my surprise when I found out it had cottage cheese in it), potato salad and, my favorite, chocolate chip cookies. I am convinced that these experiences not only gave me confidence in my ability to cook (some might say overconfidence) but also a close relationship with my mother.

Partly because of this modeling and partly out of necessity, I have tried to involve my children in cooking with me. We have made bread, muffins, pizza, cookies, cakes, casseroles – anything that can involve stirring, pouring and even a little measuring. Through this process my children have broken several things but learned many more. Hannah is four, but I am proud that she can recognize a butterfly cut in a chicken breast or pork chop.  She is only a few steps away from making homemade pizza all by herself and she can break eggs like a pro.

I don’t know if you have ever tried to cook with children, but there are a few guarantees if you do. First, you will make a huge mess. Flour, sugar, milk, red food coloring (yeah, that actually happened once – and I have the stained cabinets to prove it) – all will find their way to places other than the bowl for which they are intended. Things will be spilled, dropped, sloshed, and overfilled. Your kitchen will look as if the Pillsbury Dough Boy spontaneously combusted on your counter top – and all over your kids. This leads to the second guarantee: cooking with your kids will take much longer than cooking by yourself. Aside from the time spent cleaning up the mess mentioned above, you have to supervise each step one at a time. There is no multi-tasking when cooking with children, especially if there is more than one. You may step away from your work area to get something from the refrigerator once – but only once. You can’t leave the two-year-old stirring the cake batter while teaching the four-year-old to measure cinnamon.

The third guarantee is that your children will be very proud of themselves when they see (and taste) the finished product. Nothing makes a child beam like the announcement that they baked the cake for the potluck or that they made dinner for the family. And that is what makes the extra effort and time worthwhile. It doesn’t matter to them that they only did what you asked them to do and that you held their hand as they stirred or poured or mixed. It makes little difference to you that you actually did most of the work while they made your job harder. All that matters is that they were a part of creating something with you, and that sense of accomplishment becomes a part of who they are and who they will become.

Sometimes I get frustrated with God because He doesn’t work as quickly as I wish He would. I question His timing and His decision-making because He won’t act like I think He should. The God who parted the seas certainly can provide relief to disaster victims. The One who raised the dead could easily heal a cancer patient. Why does He allow conflict to go unresolved and threaten relationships between husbands and wives or church families when we all know He can do anything?

I certainly don’t want to oversimplify anything, and I don’t presume to know anything definitive on these topics. However, I wonder if He isn’t like the father who wants to teach his children to cook. God could do all those things, but His primary concern isn’t to create a painless existence. It would probably be easier for Him if it were. Rather, He is more focused on helping His children become more like Him, and that means teaching us to comfort those who are hurting, to bring aid in a disaster, and to be agents of peace in a world of conflict. He wants to teach us these things so we can be His hands and feet to the world. It will be much more messy if we work at it, and it will certainly take more time, but how much better off will we be when we can look back and see that, with God’s help, we were able to be involved in His work?

Throughout the Bible we find story after story about God choosing someone unlikely to do His work. He works with them over time to help them develop the faith they need, and then through them brings about His desired result. One of my favorites is Gideon, maybe because I can relate so well to Him. During a time that the Israelites are greatly oppressed by the people of Midian, an angel of God appears to a frightened, timid young man and calls him a “Mighty Warrior.” Judges 6:11-16 records this first conversation.

The angel of the LORD came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites. When the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon, he said, “The LORD is with you, mighty warrior.”

“But sir,” Gideon replied, “if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the LORD has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian.”

The LORD turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”

“But Lord, ” Gideon asked, “how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”

The LORD answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together.”

Then, through a series of tests and proofs that God was going to be with him, Gideon finally believes and leads the Israelites to victory. However, as I read it I realize that Gideon didn’t actually do much to defeat the Midianites. God did all the work. He used Gideon to lead the group of 300 to go up against them, but God was the one who created confusion and caused the Midianites to kill themselves. I sometimes wonder why, if God was going to just kill the Midianites himself, why go to all the trouble of getting Gideon ready to lead? It leads me to the belief that, while God didn’t need Gideon, He obviously wanted him.

This account reinforces to me the belief that God’s primary concern is my development. He could easily fix all the things that are wrong all around me, but instead He wants to use me to help Him. He can heal a broken heart, but He wants me to develop the ability to give comfort. He could provide relief to those affected by disaster, but He wants me to develop a giving and compassionate heart. Yes, it will take more time and be more messy than if He were to work alone, and ultimately it is Him who will be doing all the work. But, it is important to Him to create within me a sense of accomplishment and a love of His work. He loves to see my excitement when I realize that we did something good together so that I will continue to seek out more opportunities to work with Him.

Kids love locking doors.

We were at my sister and brother-in-law’s house this summer, and had just returned from a day at the beach. We were hot and dirty and tired. We got the kids’ bathed and in their pajamas and were two teethbrushings away from a little well-deserved rest. Ashley left the bathroom for a few minutes, and when she returned the door was shut and locked. Not locked-with-a-typical-push-button lock, but locked-with-a-key locked. I went outside to try to see through the slats in the window to see what was going on. Ashley was at the door, alternately trying to talk a four-year-old through the process of unlocking the door and shoving the key under the door. Hannah was trying to do what Ashley was saying, but had to divide her attention between that and protecting herself from Will, who was hitting her and taking the key away.

One might think that the experience of being locked in a room would be sufficient to eliminate the behavior of locking doors. One would be wrong. For some reason my kids love to lock doors, and from conversations with other parents I am not alone. I am fairly sure the desire to lock doors begins as simple curiosity, but the child quickly realizes that a locked door is their key to unbridled mischief. A locked door is the green light a child needs to do whatever they want – the things they have been wanting to do but their parents won’t let them. It offers them total freedom. With a locked door they can paint their nails…and their fingers…and toes. They can get into the jar of Vaseline and polish the floor. They can attempt to fill the bathtub with water from the toilet using bathtub toys that have holes in them. They can put on Mom’s makeup. They can play “Will It Fit?”

This is a lot of fun for the child, but it all changes when they hear the approaching footsteps and the voice of their parent calling for them – “What are you doing?” Now, instead of an instrument of freedom, the door becomes a form of protection, a barrier to help them hide from punishment. Instead of joy it signifies fear. The door no longer works to keep someone else out, but to keep the child in. The pride they just felt in their independence is replaced by the shame of their disobedience.

We can relate to this – not only through our own experiences with our children or as children ourselves, but also through our relationship with God the Father.  We close the door of our heart to what we know is right, which allows us to do what we want for a time. We are free to engage in our own selfish desires with total disregard of how our behavior is affecting us or those around us. Then we hear the voice of God. It may be through our conscience, through a sermon or scripture, or maybe we get caught red-handed. In some way we become self-aware of our behavior and have to ask ourselves, “What have I done?” Now the door is locked, but no longer is it to keep God out, but to keep ourselves in. We don’t want to face Him and experience His anger and disappointment. We want instead to fix it, to clean it up and make it seem that nothing has happened. Then we will go back to face our Father. The problem, however, is that we can’t. We are unable to clean up our own mess, and we need God’s help.

When Adam and Eve sinned, they hid out of fear and shame. While that sin placed a barrier between them and their Father, all hope was not lost. At that moment God began to formulate a plan by which His children could be back in a perfect relationship with Him. He established a law, but that law was not going to free them. It was only there to keep them close until the door could be unlocked. When Jesus came and died, He removed that barrier and unlocked the door. Consider the following passage from Galatians 3:21-25:

Is the law, therefore, opposed to the promises of God? Absolutely not! For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law. But the Scripture declares that the whole world is a prisoner of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe.

Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law.

Christ unlocked the door! He freed us from fear and shame and guilt. He removed the barrier between God the Father and His children. So why do we remain behind closed doors? Why do we refuse to open the door to be in that close relationship that God so dearly wants? Fear? Guilt? Shame? Our children stay for fear of punishment, and I think we do as well. We are disappointed in ourselves, and rather than face our Father we choose to stay confined because we assume that He will not love us like He did.  What we fail to consider, however, is the great love our Father has for us. If my child is locked in the bathroom, having made a mess of some sort, I want to get in, but not to punish them. I want to help them and protect them from further harm. Why would we assume that God is any different.

As John relays the message from the angel of God to the seven churches in Revelation, he has a strong message for the church at Laodicea. He wants to spew them out of His mouth because of their apathy and pride. He encourages them to repent, saying

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. (Rev. 3:20)

He doesn’t want to come in to punish them. He isn’t going to disown them or make them sit in the corner. He wants to eat with them and renew the relationship that has been broken by their sin. The same is true of us. God didn’t send His son to remove the barrier put between us just so He can yell at us and tell us what terrible children we are. He knows that behind that door we are hurting, afraid and in a huge mess that we can’t fix. He has unlocked the door; now He just is waiting for us to open it so He can gather us up, fix our wounds and clean up our mess. The only question is do we trust Him enough to do it?

Of the many qualities necessary to be a stay at home parent, patience would have to top the list. There are obvious teaching points that require patience, like potty training, using glue and self-feeding (not necessarily in that order) that would drive an impatient person to a complete breakdown. But then there are the other things that make even a normally patient person like me want to climb to the top of the highest cliff and…(gulp)… look over the edge a few minutes, and then creep back down to safety while realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.

One of these things has to be the persistence of a child when they get it in their head that they want something. Whether it is something small, like a cookie, or something significantly larger, like a cell phone, children can easily become fixated on the one thing that they want, and nothing will stand in their way. They will ask, then whine, beg, bargain, plead and cry. They refuse to accept answers such as “No,” “Later,” “That’s inappropriate,”  “Absolutely not,” or “Put that down.” They won’t accept reason, logic or threat of punishment. They just persist.

As the parent, sometimes my answer is “No” because what the child is asking for is not good for them. Ice cream would be a big hit at the breakfast table if I’d allow it (and if we hadn’t eaten it all for dinner the night before). My kids would eat cookies and candy all afternoon, but I say no because it will hurt them in the long run. I know that, but they don’t get it yet. However, sometimes the answer is “No” because I know they don’t really want what they are asking for. My kids start asking for Christmas gifts late in the summer. After birthdays have passed, they see something they want or that their friends have and they start asking for it now. Sometimes I say no because I know that they are asking out of shallow desire to have everything they see. It isn’t that what they want is wrong or even bad for them. They just don’t really want it.

This is one of the many lessons I learned from my dad. This and the “If I can’t trust you” speech. Anyway, rather than simply saying “No” to me, he would encourage me to wait – whether so I could save money or see if it went on sale, etc. He knew that if I could avoid the initial impulse of getting something just because I wanted it, the impulse would go away and I wouldn’t want it anymore. This has saved me more than a few times in my adult life as I have waited to make a decision, knowing that if, after the initial feeling went away and I still wanted something, it was a good idea. Unfortunately, I haven’t always followed this principle, and have made impulse decisions that I have regretted (yes, cat, I’m talking about you).

As I look back on my life I see many times that I have asked God the Father for things because I wanted them. Sometimes I have asked fervently, but the answer was “No” because it wasn’t the right time or it wasn’t good for me. However, sometimes I think God was just letting me continue to ask because He knew that the thing I was praying for wasn’t what I really wanted. I was never a great journal-keeper, but I did have spurts when I wrote more than others. I recently found one and re-read it, and I found myself chuckling about the things I asked God for. Some things I wanted badly for a moment, but quickly began asking for something else. I wonder if God just didn’t answer because He knew that I was not really serious.

One of Jesus’ teachings that stumped me for a while is in Luke 18:1-8 – the parable of the persistent widow.

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually wear me out with her coming!’ ”

And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

This bothered me for a while because I thought that it was saying God is like the unjust judge. I finally figured out that it is saying that if the unjust judge will do the right thing because the widow was persistent, how much more will God, who is certainly just, do the right thing for His people who ask him. But this last time I read it I focused on the persistence part. The purpose of this parable, as Jesus told it, was to teach the disciples to keep praying and not give up. He wants us to be persistent. He wants me to ask, then beg, plead, cry and continue on until I get an answer. He doesn’t want me to ask once and then give up. If I do that, did I really want it in the first place?

I have to admit that I am too often guilty of asking once or twice and quitting, and by “too often” I mean “always.” I hear a sermon on Sunday about giving, so I ask God to help me become less selfish, and at the time I really mean it. But that is the last time I ask, and I could easily look back and say “God didn’t do that for me.” However, if I really wanted to be less selfish, wouldn’t I ask over and over until God gives that to me. As it is, the Godly traits and characteristics I hear about on Sundays are like toys in the Sears catalog that I see and want, but not enough to give up other things for.

(Excuse me while I tend to my sore toes, on which I have inadvertently stepped.)

Of course, I knew this already. I have read about the treasure that a man finds and sells everything to buy the field where it was found. I know about the pearl that a merchant found and sold all his possessions so he could purchase it. What I don’t know is why I don’t ask for God’s presence in my life with the same urgency and persistence that these people did. How does one cultivate that kind of desire, of passion for what is good and right? How can you develop the ability to value God enough to truly seek Him with the single-mindedness displayed by this widow and the merchant and the treasure hunter?

I am afraid of the answers to these questions, primarily because I think they have the words “difficult” and “trial” and “suffering” in them somehow. The widow sought justice because of the great injustice that was done to her. Throughout the Bible, and in my own experience, people draw closer to God and seek Him the most during times of difficulty and suffering. For example, read the book of Judges. Hardship results in greater pursuit of God, while times of peace typically end up in a gradual separation and some level of apathy about God. Of course, this usually causes hardship, which starts the cycle over again IF we choose to seek God to relieve our suffering.

So what is the end result of this rambling mess? I guess it is as simple/difficult as choosing to want the right things. I have said for some time now that as humans we will do what we want to do, so the key is to want to do the right things. The level of persistence exhibited in our prayer life will be a good indicator of what we want and how badly we want it.

Talk to any parent of more than one child, and they will tell you that each child is unique and must be parented differently. While this is obvious, it still surprises me on a regular basis. For example, Jaycie was a great reader. She wanted to read and picked it up easily. It may help that even at an early age we were overachievers – even putting static cling letters on our car windows to help her practice. By preschool she was well on her way to reading, and by Kindergarten was quite a good reader. Hannah, on the other hand, is certainly smart enough to read, but for whatever reason isn’t quite getting it.

Case in point. The other day we were driving and I decided to take advantage of the time in the car to learn some beginning letter sounds, and the letter “A” seemed like a good place to start.

“What do you see that starts with “A?” It sounds like uh, uh, uh…”

“Uh car. Uh tree.”

“No. Let’s try another one. What do you see that starts with the “tuh” sound? Tuh, tuh, tuh…”

“Tree!”

“Yes! Anything else? Tuh, tuh, tuh…”

“Truck!”

“Yes! Great job! Now let’s do “L.” What starts with la, la, la…”

“Car.”

“No. La, la, la…”

“Grass.”

“No.”

At this point I am starting to think that we should take a break – or start saving for some high school textbooks on tape. Of course, then there’s Will. I hear him saying over and over, “La, la, la, stupid. La, la, la, stupid.” I have a feeling that he is going to be another story altogether. I was reminded once again that every child is different, and my expectations and parenting techniques have to change based on the individual child. This doesn’t make me love any child less than the others, because my love is not based on their abilities or performance but my relationship with them.

Is it that far fetched to believe that God sees us the same way? I often compare myself to others and focus on the ways in which I am lacking. I am not as good a teacher as one person. I am not naturally inclined to visit like others are. I don’t pray like some people do. There are so many ways in which I am inferior to, or at least different than, others, and I spend much of my life living as if God thinks less of me because I am not as good as other people are. Because of my imperfections I am hesitant to approach my Father, embarrassed that I am not as good as His other children.

I have always known the verse that “God is no respecter of persons,” but I’m not sure I was totally aware of the context of it. Knowing that it is in Acts 10 and part of Peter’s speech to the first Gentile converts makes it even more significant.

“Then Peter began to speak: “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right.” Acts 10:34-35

Not to oversimplify the Jewish religion, but in some ways Peter spent much of his life being taught that he was valuable to God because of his obedience, his worship, his knowledge. He was defined by what he did and his heritage, not by his relationship with God. Even a three year association with Jesus didn’t completely convince Peter that God loves everybody unconditionally. It took a vision of food formerly considered unclean and the testimony of Cornelius to show him this great truth that God loves all of His children equally, just the way they are.

Just like my children are all different, I am very different from everyone else. I learn differently, express myself differently, and have different strengths and abilities. God loves those who serve Him in their own ways, but He loves me and accepts me equally. He deals with me in His infinite wisdom and understanding of who I am, and He has expectations of me based on His knowledge of who I can become. He doesn’t get frustrated with me because I am not as smart as my brother, or as devoted as my sister. He made me, and He wants me to do the best I can with what He has given me. That is good enough for me with my kids, and I am confident it is good enough for my Father.

I used to get a little hurt when I heard Bill Cosby say “If you’ve got one kid, you’re not really a parent.” I knew this was a comedy bit, and I love him, so it wasn’t a big deal. Now, with three kids, while I certainly won’t go so far as he did, I do understand more where he was coming from. There is another level of complexity that exists with three kids that is very different than even having only two. The fighting, the jealousy, the time management…all these things make parenting a little more complicated.

This comes up a lot at our house around dinnertime. We made the mistake when Jaycie was young of cooking only things she would eat. Pasta, pork chops, corn dogs, etc. were staples of our diet because she would eat them, and we liked them, so it was the easy choice. Now, in our finite wisdom, we see the need to cook things that are better for all of us, and while sometimes that intersects with the likes of a particular child, it often does not. Sometimes we are at the end of our grocery envelope, and our dinner choices are governed more by what we have on hand as opposed to what will please the most people. This inevitably will cause some sort of outburst, something along the lines of “Why do we always have food I don’t like?” or “We always have baked potatoes!” My response to this is becoming standard. “Not everything is about you.” I am pretty sure this is the parental equivalent of an owl flying headlong into a closed glass door – just because it is wise doesn’t mean it is getting in.

I am becoming convinced that this is one of those important things that I need to somehow be teaching my children. Not everything we do is about you. Sometimes we will go to the store even though you want to go to the park. Sometimes we will go to the restaurant that we want, even though they don’t have the salsa you like. Some of the things we do aren’t because we love you or hate you. It just is. Some things are done for others, and because you are a part of the family, you will do it too. It’s that simple.

(Are you with me so far? Good, because it is about to get ugly.)

I have been thinking lately about how this principle applies to my spiritual life. With God as the Father and me as the child, I tend to interpret everything that happens to me as if it is about me. If something good happens, God is good and loves me. If something happens that I don’t like, I wonder why God allows bad things to happen or if I am being punished somehow. But what if not everything is about me? What if God is doing something that another of His children needs, and it affects me somehow? What right to I have to get mad and ask God why He is not doing what I want?”

This past January I was struggling. I was lost in toddler world, feeling like I wasn’t doing a good job and like I needed something else. I found out about a job that I was very interested in, but decided I was going to trust God. I laid out my fleece (not literally) and asked God to have someone ask me about it if I was to apply for it. The next day, two people talked to me about it – one of whom was the person doing the hiring. It was a sign. The next obstacle was figuring out child care, and that fell into place too. I told the people involved that I was interested and interviewed the next day. It was a great interview, and I just knew that this was what God had planned for me.

It was a week later that I got the call to inform me that they had chosen someone else. I was devastated. And angry. Why did God even put that out there. Why get my hopes up, only to pull the rug out from under me? It would have been better not even to apply than to get all worked up and excited about it. I felt like it had been promised to me, and then the promise was broken. I wasn’t even mad at the people involved. I was angry with God. It was as if He had taken something that was mine and given it to someone else. It probably didn’t help that this was a few days before my 40th birthday, but that is another story).

A few weeks later I learned that a person I knew had gotten the job, and my attitude began to change. First of all, I realized (actually I surmised – I don’t know for sure) that if she had not gotten this job she would likely have been out of a job altogether. Another manager who had been out for a year on a medical leave was returning, and there were no open manager spots. My assumption is that, as the youngest manager on staff, she would have been the one to leave to make room. Secondly, I later overheard her talking with a co-worker about her excitement about purchasing a new washer and dryer. With this new job, she was able to get some financial freedom that she needed badly.

I started to wonder if this decision had nothing to do with me but everything to do with her. I was just there. She needed the job much more than I did. Maybe God allowed me to interview to satisfy my curiosity, to shut me up. But it wasn’t that God doesn’t want good things for me, but in this situation it wasn’t about me.

One of my favorite chapters in the Bible is John 9. This is the story of a man born blind, and I love it because of the detail John gives to the Pharisees’ response to him, his parents’ rejection of him, and his simple belief in Jesus. But there is a verse at the beginning of the chapter when the disciples first see the blind man.

“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.”

To me it sounds like the only reason this man was blind is for this purpose. How many years did he sit and suffer? Did he wonder why God had made him blind? If this is true of him, and he made it into the Bible, isn’t it more likely to be true of me as well? When I don’t get a job, or when my radiator goes out in my van, or when I lose my hearing in one ear because I saved my little brother from the icy water while sledding on shovels (okay, that wasn’t me), maybe it isn’t about me. Maybe, for some reason that I won’t ever understand, another of God’s children was served even though I was inconvenienced. And just as I want my children to accept that in their lives, I should accept it in mine.

This is a statement that I had prepared to read Sunday morning to our church family, but other things took precedence. I typed it instead, cleaned it up a bit, and decided to post it here as well. Just read it out loud, cry all the way through it, and it will be as if I had read it to you myself.
Love to you all,
Lee

Thursday we celebrated Will’s 1st birthday, and naturally we spent some time reflecting back over the events leading up to and following his birth, and through each part of that experience we see God working through you. Even as we take joy in knowing that things worked out the way we wanted, we are also thankful for the difficult times as well. It was in these times, when we didn’t think we could take the next step, that you carried us. We didn’t know how we would handle adversity, but now we know that God is more than able to sustain us, no matter the situation.

I want to take this opportunity first of all to thank you again for the tremendous gift you gave us, but I also want to take a minute to encourage you as well. Just as we were at a low point almost a year ago when Will’s birth parents took him back for a few days, there are members of our body who are at a low point now. I have always taken great comfort from the following words of Moses found in Deuteronomy 8.

“You shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD. Your clothing did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. Thus you are to know in your heart that the LORD your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son. Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills; a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey; a land where you will eat food without scarcity, in which you will not lack anything; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.”

The Wilderness plays an important role throughout the history of God’s people, but maybe nowhere more prominently than in the story of the Exodus. I typically thought of the Wilderness as a punishment for disobedience, but now I am coming to understand that it was more than that. God doesn’t just punish His people, but disciplines them. Everything He does is to teach, to instruct, and to prepare His people for what is to come, and to maintain His relationship with them. The Israelites needed to learn to trust God, to obey Him because He knew what was best for them.

I believe that we are in the Wilderness – we have trusted God to lead us out of slavery, but we are still waiting for the Promised Land. And in the journey God wants to prepare us, to teach us to trust Him. Sometimes that means that we experience loss, heartache or broken relationships. Sometimes we have difficulty with our job or our finances. Sometimes we struggle through an illness, a habit or a sin – whether it is because of something I have done or something that someone has done to me, or even just a random occurrence, God is able to use any circumstance to teach me to trust Him more, knowing that the journey is only temporary, but the reward is eternal.

I was reading about this subject once, and learned more about the Wilderness. Whereas I used to think about the Wilderness as a desert, it seems actually to be full of vegetation and plant life, but only the kind that could sustain you for a short time. It was okay to pass through, but was not suitable for settling down. Knowing this helps me greatly, because I know that when I experience pain or sorrow, it reminds me that this world is not my home, that I haven’t settled down here, but I am on my way to a better place. God gives me all that I need to sustain me for the time that I am here, but there is something much better to come.

As we begin Will’s second year, we are thankful that for all of you who are on this journey with us. We know that no matter what happens, God has given us a family that will gladly share our burdens and our joys. We love you all so much, and just like our love for our children increases each day, so our love for you grows more and more. Thank you for loving us in the amazing way that you have, and know that when Will’s story is told, God will be glorified.

After a long period of slacking off, I am working to get back into the habit of studying my Bible on a regular basis. I was somewhat torn about what to read, and decided to read John again. I got to the second chapter and the account of Jesus going to the temple and, finding it a “place of business,” made a whip and drove out all those who were taking the focus away from worship. Obviously I have read this many times before, but always with the focus on our church buildings. I have been convicted that we must avoid the “business” of church and focus instead on worship.

While I still think that is true, on this reading I looked at it a little differently. If it is true, as we believe, that our body is the Lord’s Temple, shouldn’t we be concerned to make sure that we are focused on worship and not on the business of the world? Aren’t I more concerned sometimes with my financial state or my job or my house repairs than I am with worship? Doesn’t that explain why I haven’t been studying recently, choosing instead to attend to the myriad of things that constantly demand to be done (even though they never get finished).

So the question that haunts me today is this: If Jesus came into my life, what would He see that would make Him so mad that He would drive them out with a whip? What have I added to my life that takes my focus away from worshipping God?

Before someone smarter than me responds to correct me, I have also heard the thought that the “body” described as the temple of God actually refers to the people who make up His Church. I can buy that, and the same principle applies. But Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is only so long, and therefore my time also is limited. That is another topic for another day.

Dear friend, I thought about you today. I don’t know if you remembered that today marks three years since you gave birth to a little girl. I can only assume that it crossed your mind. I spent some time thinking about you – wondering what your life is like, what you think about your decision, and if you ever wonder about your little girl.

Hannah's 1st Birthday

Hannah's 1st Birthday

January 2009

January 2009

I want you to know, above all else, that we are thinking of you today. We know nothing about you, but we are thankful for you and your sacrifice. The decision you made three years ago, although I am sure it was difficult, has made such a difference, not just in our lives but also in the lives of many others.  I wonder if you ever regret your decision. I can’t answer for you, but I can tell you that we love Hannah with all of our hearts, and we can’t imagine a life without her.

I wonder if she is like you at all. Does she have your engaging personality or your amazing smile? She has the ability to light up a room and command attention from the moment she enters until well after she leaves. Does she laugh like you do? That laugh gets me so tickled, and she brings so much joy when she laughs. Did she get her love of music and dancing from you? She is drawn to all kinds of music and will dance no matter who is there. I’ll take some credit for her rhythm (or lack of it), but…and I don’t know how to ask this…do you shake your booty when you dance? She does that all the time, and I don’t know why. Does she share your sense of humor? She not only loves to laugh at others, but loves to make others laugh, and she is genuinely funny. Does she get her determination and mischievousness from you as well?

I have to tell you, there are so many things that she does that make us question if she favors my side of the family or her mothers, only to remember that she is adopted. She is such a great child, and we love her so much. She is a great sister to her older sister and her little brother. She is loving and caring and so sweet. She is really smart, too. I know everybody says that about their child, but this is true. She can already say her alphabet and spell her name. She kept hearing her sister asking for G-U-M, and she quickly figured out what that spells so she can get some too.

I could keep going, but I just wanted to tell you that Hannah is doing great. We can’t celebrate her birth without thinking of you and the sacrifice you made that made it possible for her to be a part of our family. She loves us, and she is greatly loved in return. We owe so much to you, and we can never thank you enough.

wet_floor_sign_cutoutLast night I was closing at Barnes and Noble. The night was so busy, and there was little time throughout the evening to keep up with some of the regular maintenance issues that need to be done. Dishes still needed to be washed and put away, counters needed to be cleaned, and the bake case needed to be restocked. The last thing we do at night before we get to go home is to sweep and mop the floor. There are many times throughout the evening that I want to mop – to clean up the spilled Frappucino mix or the milk that dripped while making a Caramel Macchiato. Throughout the cafe there are traces of the flurried activity of the day, mistakes that were made and unfinished business. It is a relief to have the time to slow down, clean up the messes and prepare for the next day.

As I was mopping I realized that this is similar to my end of the year thought processes. As I look at the calendar and realize that today is the last day of 2008, I take a look around. I see evidence of our accomplishments, but alongside there are also reminders of messes, mistakes and unfinished business. It is good to take a few minutes to step back, take a deep breath, and prepare for the new year. I know I can’t fix all my mistakes or clean up all my messes. I certainly can’t finish all the things I started by the end of the day. I can, however, mentally focus on the things that were accomplished and, as much as possible, begin again with a clean slate.

I am thankful for 2008, but I won’t be sorry to see it go. This year has been difficult – full of tough transitions but also great blessings. It has been a year of great uncertainty. God has not given us much of what we asked for, but He has given us more than we need. I hope that doesn’t sound disrespectful or ungrateful, because it isn’t. I just look back at the things we prayed for, and am really thankful that God didn’t give us those things. If nothing else came from this year, I now have a deeper understanding and acceptance that God knows better than I do, and I know very little. He has let me try to drive the car, and I am terrible at it. I am trying to learn to be content to ride in the backseat, enjoying the scenery and stop asking “Are we there yet?”

I am thankful for the difficulty we have endured that has led us to this point. I know there will be more to come, but I am going to enjoy the peace while it lasts. I am thankful for the old friendships that have been strengthened and the new ones that have developed as we were forced to lean on others. I am thankful for the encouragement, the prayers and the Starbucks Java Chip ice cream provided in our times of weakness, and I am thankful for the joy shared in our times of rejoicing. Most of all, I am thankful for the consistency of God we have experienced through the ups and downs of our year.

If you are reading this, you are (a) way too bored or (b) one of the people who has been a great encouragement to me. I thank you for that, and I pray that the new year brings us more opportunities to grow in our relationship. Thanks for keeping me company as I clean up.